Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Black Music Recalled

Black Music Recalled
*LOS ANGELES, CA--On the heels of its recall of toys, dog food, toothpaste and foodstuffs, China and the International Trade Commission today jointly announced that China is recalling American black music.

     In an admission that has rocked American culture,  art and science communities,  China last week  revealed  that in the same fashion it manufactures cut-rate products,  the country created fake  urban pop and  hip hop and  unleashed it onto an unsuspecting  American market as the real thing.    

     According to an  ITC  source  speaking  on conditions of anonymity, the Federal Communications Commission will ask that national radio and TV outlets  cease playing recordings by a list of currently popular contemporary performers on grounds that it is fake black music made in China. The source declined to reveal artists' names, but insisted the list consists of "top acts everybody knows."

     The  fake black music scandal quietly unfolded two weeks ago  when workers at  Long Beach, California Harbor reported a foul odor emanating from an unmarked shipping container. Inside,  U.S. Coast Guard and Immigration authorities made a grim discovery: half-baked grooves, thin, wilting bass lines, off key lead vocals, weak musical  b-sections, trite, shallow lyrics and funk from concentrate--all of which had gone bad before it could be distributed, possibly, to young, hot American urban producers and artists, who would presumably pass off the mess to consumers as real black music. 

     According to a musicologist called to the harbor scene,  no melodies were found. 
    
     "The stench was horrific,"  said a Long Beach investigator.  "All this stuff was disposable.  Its shelf life was about six months.  It smelled terrible and sounded worse. First thing I'm going to do when I get home is hug my kids.  To think, I let them listen to this stuff." Subsequent early  morning raids at recording studios  in Atlanta, New York and Los Angeles resulted in arrests and the confiscation of more fake black music. 

     "For years, we been telling y'all this [new black music] had a three on it,"  said P-Funk founder/leader George Clinton, during a  Monday afternoon press conference and protest rally held outside Harlem, New York's  famed Apollo Theater.  "This country been fakin' the funk so long, it don't know the difference." 

     Among other R&B entertainers on hand to voice their concern for the future of black popular music: Bobby Womack, Ike Turner, Aretha Franklin, Chaka Khan, D.J. Rogers, some Ohio Players, Candi Staton,  Teena Marie, Michael Henderson and Timmy Thomas.

     An emotional Alexander O'Neal had to be helped from the outdoor bandstand, too broken up to get through the second verse of his 1987 hit, "Fake."   

     An attorney representing  famed singer Ron Isley,  said to be in an undisclosed location,  read a statement from his client: "If there is to be a harvest for the world, we have to go all the way and fight  the power,  because this sh*t is contagious."

     The NAACP on Monday called the revelation "a sad day not only for black Americans, but everyone who enjoys the rich legacy that is true black music." The organization declared this coming Saturday, when most of the nation  goes out to party and dance to black music,  as a day of prayer and contemplation. 

     Reached in the Chinese city of  Beijing, businessman  Won Hwang,  a chief perpetrator of fake black music, through a translator  explained  that he chose to replicate the genre--as opposed to country or rock--because of its unprecedented global popularity and what he deemed  black America's general lack of interest and respect for its musical roots.  "That made it easy to feed fake black music into the minds of the black community and America at large," he said. "What is  considered black music today is so inferior that we could actually create it in a laboratory."

     Added Hwang, "Our fake Fendi and Louis Vuitton bags did well in America, so we figured fake black music would, too."  
  
     Meanwhile, American entertainment companies are incensed at media reports implicating them as China's silent partner in the black music shenanigan.  Sniffed a Universal Music exec, "Why would we get fake black music from China?  Our black music is made in Japan." 

     Even politicians have weighed in. Campaigning in Englewood, New Jersey Monday, Presidential candidate Barack Obama said, "If China is knowingly [manufacturing fake black music], it should be condemned and held accountable."

     But the damage is already done, according to Francine Hightower, 51, one of many fans of authentic black music among the throng of protesters at the Apollo. "It's black people, not China,  who are allowing real black music to die," she insisted. "If James Brown wasn't already dead, this would have killed him," she said.  "You have to wonder what is next?"

     In related news, Iran,  while insisting it possesses enough plutonium to create a nuclear weapon,  emphatically denied underground reports it is readying for the black American market a Remy Martin-flavored potion that creates a sensation that amounts to fake equality.
    
Steven Ivory's book, FOOL IN LOVE (Touchstone/Simon & Schuster) is in stores now or at Amazon.com (www.Amazon.com) Respond to him via STEVRIVORY@AOL.COM or MYfeedback@eurweb.com

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