When can the Pastor fight back? Part 2

When can the Pastor fight back? Part 2

Leadership requires a thick skin and a sensitive heart. I must remain teachable but not be shaped by what I call criticism from the margins. Here are a few thoughts that help me. By way of perspective, I sting easily and with every criticism and must apply these all the time. My personal wiring and my values leave me extremely vulnerable to the hurt caused by careless words. Because of this I have five guiding principles I use for fighting back in my church. Clarify, Care, Confront, Continue and Connect.

I Clarify: People do not always mean what they say.  This means that when I face criticism from someone or intercept it for my staff I will often ask what I call the clarifying questions.  For example I might say, “Here is what I just heard you say, is that really what you mean?” I will often say, “I did not hear a question in your statement, did you want to rephrase?” I will ask for an example of a criticism, “Tell me when you experienced that here at this church.” I will ask; “Is there something you want me to do with this information?” Clarifying helps me distance myself from the personal nature of the words and lessens the defensiveness I might feel at the moment. 

I Care: Most all criticism in my book merits some kind of consideration because of one reason.  It is offered by a person and I care about people.  My vocation is not predicated upon being right but being right before God.  To be right before God I must be right with people.  I am instructed to do my best to live at peace with all men.  God places a premium on relationships in that they are to model an aspect of His love and should demonstrate the uniting power of the cross. 

I Confront: I do not let people attack.  I will politely stop them and let them know.  I care about them, I care about the relationship we have and would not want Satan to damage it.  Because of the high value God places upon relationships I have four “never’s”. 

Never let gossip slide. Confront it for what it is, root it out and expose it.  Tell people they must leave if they refuse to cease gossip. 

Never let bitterness root.  Bitterness poisons everything holy.  When someone is bitter every ministry they are around gets poisoned and becomes weaker. 

Never play in the devils sandbox. Satan is a master of deception, lies and pride.  He is power hungry and seeks to divide, distract and derail every person alive at this moment.  The tools to defeat him are humility, truth and kindness (grace).  I access these tools though prayer.  When I am criticized I will not respond until I can with confidence use healthy tools.  I would love to relay stories here in this post but I cannot because they move me into the area of a prideful heart as I describe my rightness and my deft at handling a situation. 

Never let conflict it go unresolved. I do not rest until resolution is reached and either forgiveness is granted or separation is deemed necessary.  Too much is at stake in the kingdom to leave conflict unresolved.  Matthew 18 is about restoration not confrontation.  When I seek to restore relationships biblically God makes 3 amazing promises

He promises His authority. “I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Matthew 18:18.  He says I will lend my authority to right restoration processes. 

He promises His blessing. “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.  Matthew 18:19 He says, I will listen and bless you with an answer. 

He promises His presence. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:20 He says I will be right there in the middle with you. 

God wants us to biblically restore and when we do, He does such amazing things in us, through us and for us. 

I Continue: I do not pastor or lead to the margins.  About 85% of the people who attend our church would identify 3-5 basic reasons they attend.  These are our strengths and we build upon them.  On each side we have people who attend in the margins.  What I mean is this.  About 5% of people who attend our church are happy with whatever we do.  Short of having a shirts and skins Sunday these people attend everything and love it.  On the other side is a group of about 10% that don’t like anything we do.  We could have 1000 people come to know Jesus on a Sunday and they are going to complain.  Volume, appearance, lighting, temperature, length of sermon, parking you name it.  If you pastor or have pastored a church, right now you can see the faces of these people in the margins.  I simply do not believe the good press or the bad press from the margins.  I know I am not as good as the people who praise me say I am and I am not as bad as the people who criticize me say I am. 

I focus about 85% on the middle 85%.  To pastor in the margins is to build your church focusing on your weaknesses and in doing so lessen your strengths or even worse to believe the good press and build a church on an ego.  I am not saying marginalize people ort treat people poorly who do not “go along to get along.” I am simply saying there comes a time when I must focus on what I am supposed to do.

I Connect: Finally I believe keeping fresh with God, gaining your affirmation from walking with the Spirit and having a crystal clear sense of calling and vision for your ministry and life are essential.  I am hard to derail but not because I am callused and tough but because I have prioritized the voices that matter most in my life. 

For discussion: What tools do you use to restore relationships?  How do you keep from letting the “margins” dictate your leadership? 

About the author:  Leonard Lee a regular commenter here at MMI.  He is also a church planter and a veteran of over 25 years of ministry.  He is married to his best friend and they have two awesome kids.  He currently pastors Bayside of Central Roseville and loves to hunt, fish and play.